Saturday, March 27, 2010

Self-growth when I am on my own..:)

Dear dear just got home yesterday. While I was driving him home to HKs' surprise bday party, I kept "touching" his ears and nose just to be SURE that he is back for real. It is kinda weird or unreal that he is right here after being away at Brissy for 2 weeks.

During the first week being "single" again, it felt awkward. Both of us seems to be away from one another more these few months. While JC is away, I am finding my ways back to being single again. I like the thoughts of not having to cook that often. And best of all, I lost 2 kgs while he was away. It's not that I am depressed that he is away, it is just that my eating habit is simpler when I am on my own. :) To top it up, Ive successfully made over my room.;) Vola..;)

When JC is away, I get to find out more about myself. Good stuff happens when one is "single". For instance, I get to sleep earlier, eat whenever I like (can be a con too), meet up with my buddy, missy TS, do what I like and buy what I like..;) I have also learnt that my love languages are acts of service and quality time. When JC is away, it is tough not having to receive/give the two "acts of love". These I begin to realise about myself. Phone calls (Words) are not as meaningful to me compare to these two.

JC will be away again for another 4 more days. I will cherish the 4 days to the max! Ie, enjoy as much as I can. I pray that I will continue to good trend of sleeping early when JC comes back for long term.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz tired.........zzzzzz

O How I love .....

Many things had happened since yesterday. I am unsure of what actually happened but somehow, in some way, I'm tad too emo yesterday. Ask me why, I can only give you a "blur look". I was in a situation where my emotion just flared up uncontrollably. It is funny how when I am put in a sticky situation, what comes out of me is pure "ugly". Feeling of anger is one of them. Grrrrr.... Back then, I feel like "exploding". GGGRRRRRR!

At night, I tried to reflect on what actually happened. It become clear to me that I like "control" and indeed I am a perfectionist. I am one type who takes pride in what I do and with any tasks that are given to me, I will do my best to accomplish it. I dislike the feeling of "dropping the ball" because it make me real mad. Therefore, I know that if I am place in the corporate sector, I will soar up the rank.

But, ooooo my, God sure loves me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what is BEST for me. :) I know God is in the process of peeling layers and layers of DNA in me that has nothing to do with Him. The above is my DNA. "The Achiever". :)

I was reading the book of Joel this morning. He urged the people to turn away from their sins and to return to God. This I have been asking God for a few weeks now. I know as I walk near the light, the "darkness" that is within me will be revealed little by little. The above situation is one of the example.

But papa, you know what. Please do so as it pleases you. I want to be molded to be just like you. Anything that is not of you, please cleanse me deep within. I do not want to be proud, angry and bear the spirit of Jezebel. The moment I hang on too strongly to try to control things, that is when I am trying to be God myself.

I desire to livebyfaith.
I desire to grow in this community.
I desire love, forgiveness and joy
I desire peace.
I desire oneness & unity with those around me.
I desire to obey you.

Looking forward to hear from you soon,
Love,
Doremi.. :)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Consequences of making the wrong choices

Ive just read the aftermath of King Davids' fall. Just like any other men, he forgot his purposes and hence, fell to the trap of seduction and selfish needs, of desiring someone who does not belong to him in the first place. Because of his short term gratification, it resulted in murder and family feud down the generations. King David repented from his sins yet he need to face the consequences of his choices. 2 Samuel 11-13

Some of the questions that prod me are below:
i) What about my previous sins that I have committed?
ii) Do I have to face the consequences like David did?

It has indeed been a while. One thing for sure is that I know papa has forgiven me and embraced me back then. He has never fail to guide me in all the ways that I should go. In fact, He redeem me and am bringing me into this journey of true purpose and freedom to be what I am meant to be. He has given me an identity, a sense of belonging, of purpose, of destiny. He has NOT given me senseless expectations to meet but he has given me HOPE and COURAGE, LOVE and PURPOSE, JOY and PURE FREEDOM.

Papa, how I long to be near you. I long for your PEACE that surpasses all human understanding. I long to know your heart desire. Papa, I pray that I will not be too far away from you till I forget what it's like to hear from you. I am grateful for my families, friends and many people whom had crossed path with me. Papa, give me a heart that desire you. Make me into a woman who is after your very own heart. How that is going to work, I'm not sure but this is what I am praying for now. You say when I seek you, you will fulfill it. This, I believe so.

Much love,
Doremi..:)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Time to PRIORITISE

Dear Doreen's Blog,

This morning is a particularly special one for me. As I lay awake on my mattress with Tracy half-asleep beside me, there was this strong urge to pray deep within myself. Thoughts of wanting to get to know God and to desire Him more and more each day kept churning from within me. Oh, how I miss the intimacy that I have had with my Creator. I vow to pursue this intimacy again and this begin from my heart.

My beloved is faithful as always. It is nearly a month since I returned to this homeland of mine and yes, I have been (an still am) busy. I see so many opportunities for me to do this and that and I love every part of it. I am truly excited to be a part of it all. However, despite my busyness, I sensed discontentment within me. The sense of "burning out" is slowly gnawing into the very core of me. I truly dislike this feeling. This is when I realised that I am deviating from where I am supposed to do.
I realised that a closed girl friend of mine is going through the same patch as I. She was then referred to this testimony written by this brother in Christ, by the name of Jaeson Ma. The title of his testimony is "Everything Else Can Wait". He shared about him having to prioritise his work and not get swept away in the midst of busyness. He mentioned about this," If we do not have peace in the things that we do, a lot of times, it is not what God has called us to do." He urged many of us to PRAY before making major decisions to embark on new projects. And today, Jin Hwa, my good friend sent the exact same testimony to me and He sensed that God wants me to BE STILL and RE-Prioritise my work.

To add to this, my Lord directed me to the book of Ecclesiastes 2 with its subheading, " TOIL IS MEANINGLESS". The verse that stood out for me is vs 23 which is as follow:

"All his days his work is pain and grief: even at night his mind does not REST. This too is MEANINGLESS."

This verse stood out for me because I am in the situation when I am not able to rest at night. My mind is constantly thinking about work. This is no good.

The above are "signs" that has been lay out for me to make a choice. And you know what, this is my Sabbath. I will choose to obey. I truly know what I want to focus and that is in building my dance and to take care of my students, beside ensuring that the figures in our church are steward properly. I will have to begin to say no to new things that are coming my way.

Dear Lord, thank you for these affirmations that come from both my personal time with you as well as from the people around me. Indeed, you have spoken loud and clear. I will obey and choose to focus on the work that you have called me to. Father, I love you dearly and truly, I want to seek a greater intimacy with you. I want to know you inside out and grow with you. I pray for favour from my those around me. Give me courage to pursue what you have for me.

Father, I want to uphold my dancers to you, may you give me wisdom to guide them. Give me patience, strength and above all unconditional love.

As for my relationship with my dearest, I thank you for you have given me a PRAYER WARRIOR. May we continue to seek you as our source of love and wisdom for this relationship.



Loving you always,
Doremi...:) Smooches....



Unless the LORD builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain. Psalm 127:1

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I will rather choose FREEDOM

The Lord has reminded me this today.

To stay faithful to HIM and not be easily sway away by the lure of the world.

Today I want to surrender the below to my Lord.

i) My work
ii) My dance
iii) My art form
iv) My relationship with JC
vi) My finances
vi) My Desires
vii) My Family
viii) My House church and friends

I want to give these burdens to you, O Lord. Only you say that your yoke is easy and burden-free. I do not want to worry about this and be in control of all things.

I will let go of my control nature and be FREE to live life to the fullest.

I desires to do what I love and for now, I want to return to you and be at your feet, listening ATTENTIVELY to you.

If there things are beginning to bog me down, I don't want to hold onto it so tightly. At the end of the day, if I'm near death bed, these are just fluff/dusts in the air.

Father, I choose you above all things and relationships. Create in me a desire to love and adore you, a desire to obey you, a desire to want to know you more and more each day.

All other things or people who requires me to do this and that, I will begin to choose and stand my ground. I know you want me to concentrate on what you have for me and not do ALL THINGS. I pray against the spirit of having to please people. Let me please you above all things.

Loving you to the max,
Dory

Friday, March 19, 2010

Can't sleep

It's already 12.22am. Can't sleep! Arrggh..

My brain is busy with thoughts and unimportant things to do.

I will learn how to fast from working too much. I do not want to be a perfectionist and control freak. I want to let go.

I will let go but not be out of control.

I want to be away from "work" this Saturday after mentorship. I want to enjoy my life. I do not want to be worry about this and that.

Hmmm...

My Lord, I seek your wisdom. I seek to please you alone and not people. Lord, do guide me in setting my boundaries. I want to live free from having to do this and that.

This I will submit my all to you. I believe that you are actively reaching me, wanting me by your side. I am here Lord, just like Mary, who sat close to you. You have my entire focus and submission. Please continue to reveal your plan for me.

Loving you forever,
Your one and only

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Clarity

I'm nearing the zone of burning out but Praise GOD, I realised it NOW.

I am so glad that I went over to Roshans' place. We ended up sharing our lives and spending time together with the Lord. I left his home feeling very refresh and above all, I took away this sense of clarity.

I realise that I have been giving and giving without taking much of a break. Looking at my timesheet now, I skipped my lunch most of the time. Somehow it gave me a sense of accomplishment to just kept "plowing" my work non-stop. Little did I know, God has made Sabbath time for a purpose. A time to take a break, refresh, recharge before the next "plowing" work begins. I will always remember what Auntie Kim has told me. "Doreen dear, we are running a marathon, not a 100m race. So, pace yourself". How true is this. I guess that I have to paste this onto my monitor to serve as a reminder to this "workaholic". :) Blessings and a curse.

From last night, I realised that I did not have any boundaries with my work. Hence, the feeling of tiredness sips in. As for this 3 days, I will be fasting from "work". By fasting in this category means that I will choose to open space for breaks and NOT say YES to all things that are put unto my plate. Above all, my choices must be made with the guidance of the spirit.

To add, I will disciplined myself by having devotion every morning, breaks for lunches, not to linger at the office after 5pm and to have a prayer time for my kids, family and dearest before I sleep. Oh yes, one discipline that I want to forge is to SLEEP EARLY. No more sleeping late for the sake of my health. I'm aiming to sleep no later than 12pm. Hence, which means that I must be at home by 10pm the latest.

I was led to the book of 2 Samuel 11:1 this morning. It started with King David who had chosen to stay home instead of joining his army for war during the month of Spring. Hence, the story of King David and Bathsheba commenced.

K. David was supposed to be with his troupe, fighting on behalf of the country but He is here, resting. He lusted after his own desires and committed many great sins.

This make me reflect on the current situation that I am in. I do know that this is a year of REBUILDING ie there is much work to be done here. If I am to say NO to every new things coming my way, I maybe risking something very crucial. This makes me think that I have to be wise and be selective. As much as I give out, I must increase my INPUT. The more I work, the more that I need to dwell in the presence of the Lord.... A worker that is working with very low resources will end up worst off.

Lord God, I pray for wisdom. I pray for courage. I pray for insights that are beyond my years. I want to desire to know you more than before not because I want to manipulate you so that my work can be completed smoothly. Father, I DO NOT want to be a workaholic or perfectionist or a people pleaser. In all my attempt to do this work that you have given me, Father, I pray that you will guide me to say yes and no when I am place in a situation.

Eureka: Say No to things that deviates from what I have called you to do. Concentrate and focus on it. I have called you to focus in dance. Arts will come later. This is the "work" that I have called you. Have the courage and peace. Stand firm in your faith. Go forth.

Father, thank you for your guidance. This I will obey...

Much love,
Doreen C.

Friday, March 12, 2010

A new meaning of LOVE

Scriptures
9-11So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11

Observation
Paul was in prison when he wrote this letter of encouragement to the Philippians. He is indeed one who is selfless, one who think more of others than himself. I particularly like the way how he taught the Philippians to love wisely. I know many uses love either for their own self-interest or out of pure emotion but here, Paul taught them to love appropriately. The love that he magnified is more powerful than just pure "feeling" but it is the type of "self-lessness" love.

The way the world knows about love is always about feeling, selfishness but the love that Paul urged them to pursue is one that is full of wisdom, intention, genuine, tactfulness, being a role model to others, something that even Jesus will be proud of. The love that Paul encourages is one that is self-less, responsible and one that is always caring of someone more than ourselves. The fruits of this love attracts all to the giver of "love" and it is a love that involves the community and a direction to God. Whereas, the love that we know is all about making oneself or the couple happy which disregard others.

Application
Wow. This is so powerful. I will reassess my loving relationships with those around me.

Prayer
Father, I thank you for this wisdom that is more valuable than all the riches of the world. I will continue to seek your ways above all else. Amen!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What is to come

Wow... talking about being guided. :) I would like to share the following:

Last Thursday
- Lost 3 very important keys at work. To substitute one of the key will costs me AUD300. ;(

For a while
My shoulder was hurting due to my mattress. I'm wanting to purchase a new one and can only afford somewhere between AUD550.

This week
Jojo left for Brissy for a 3 weeks work assignments.

===================================
Tuesday (This week)
- After much faith-filled prayers, my key was found by Jason. Awesome! Praise God
- Sent Jojo off. Sent his broadband card on time. Gonna have 3 weeks of vacation from cooking and meeting up with jimuis. How awesome is that. :)
- Ive bought a new mattress at the PRICE that I wanted. ;) hehehe AUD540+$30 delivery = $570

PRAISE GOD...

===================================
Oh, how I love my work. How I love Papa's guidance. His love never fails and He is always true to His words. Indeed, this year will be a year of concentration on Words & Prayers. I am looking forward to grow in all 4 areas of my life:

Self : Personal Bible Study / Equipped Dance Skill/Books/Food and Exercise
House-Church - Mentoring / Words & Prayers
Community - My Work (Finance)
Mission - Dance Class in Arrow + Mentoring

===================================

March till May
March
- Bible Study
- Mentoring
- Start Dance Class (Prep for next Sem: Jive)

April
- Bible Study
- Mentoring
- Dance Class (Jive)

May
- Waseh..

To be continued laaaa